There's no making an anxious person happy...

The first Zumba class I went to after I found out I was pregnant had me worried; I could already feel it in my belly. I was slightly crampy and I got tired pretty quickly, and it bothered me to jump too much. Then, only days later I was at full intensity during my Turbokick class and next Zumba class, and felt great! What did I do? Went and took another pregnancy test to make sure the bean was still there. I'm worried if I have symptoms too soon and worried if I don't have any. It's exhausting being me. I just need my first appointment to come (won't be seen until after 8 weeks) so I can rest better.

So much on my mind...

     Why am I creating a blog? After reading a few of my friends blogs, I realized that it may be something very therapeutic for my ever-racing mind. Somewhere where I could put all of my thoughts at the end of the day. As my profile says, I have a 3 year old son, 4 1/2 year old daughter, and just found out this past week that I am expecting my third. I know most consider it bad luck to tell others so early, especially only at 5 weeks, but my philosophy has always been the same; I want those closest to me to know early on so I can share my excitement and fears with them. And God forbid anything should happen, I'd need them to help me through that too (well, and I suppose anyone else who reads this).
     My husband's and my decision to try for a third did not come lightly. I was always bound and determined that I was only having two. My husband would tease me here and there about having a third, but I wasn't having it. Then something just changed earlier this year; I suddenly couldn't stop thinking about it and whether it was something I was meant to do. I think my dad's open-heart surgery really made me sit down and put it to serious consideration. Seeing him surrounded by all of his daughters and feeling the immensity of our family's love had a strong impact. Then my friend E.D., who also has three children, said the words that really rung true to my heart: "I say, you'll never regret having a child, but you may regret not having another one if you both feel like its something you want." 
     I struggled with the fact that I am now in my 30s, no spring chicken when it comes to having children, and my kids are finally beginning to play on their own at times, the second nearing potty training, finally venturing out into the working world again after 4 1/2 years and doing something that was important to me with my fitness certifications, and trying to reach my own personal fitness goals...that would all be impacted. I'd have to start over again; no more wine tastings with friends for a long time, I'd be the one chasing a baby around the party,  it would take me that much longer to achieve the fitness goals I have always wanted to accomplish. And though I still struggle a bit with some of these thoughts, the bottom line was that when I said to myself out loud, "you aren't going to have another baby", I felt sad, very sad, and incomplete.
     I'm 33, not 53 -I still have time. I know you shouldn't compare yourself to others, but my other friend M.C. is an inspiration as well; a beautiful woman who had her third child a little bit after the age I will be at, and now is doing great with three beautiful children and still hanging out with friends and enjoying life. I am a strong and determined person. I have really worked hard over the last couple of years to try to prioritize a little bit more and find time for both my kids and myself. I know I have issues with trying to take on too much and getting anxiety over it. It will never be perfect, life will always be hectic, and God knows it will only get more hectic in the near future, but life can be a beautiful mess. So why not try to have it all?